I’m sitting here going through files on my computer and came across a folder entitled “Blogs & Things.”

I haven’t touched this folder in forever and literally forgot what was in it.

I wrote this “poem” called Lethal. Definitely not my best work but it reminds me of how I felt at one point in my life.

I hate sing-songy poems and this is DEFINITELY one. But I just figured I’d share. Wow…nonetheless, here it is, copied and pasted from my old (and first) blog.

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Anyway, sometime during my blogging-ness, I posted a poem entitled LETHAL! Now, dont ask where this came from…YES, some aspects of it are VERY real for me. BUT, as a writer, you have to know that for the most part, I had to throw MANY elements of fiction in there just to make it interesting. Do I consider it my best work? Hell no. Its just one of those ‘things’ that are neatly recorded in my ‘ooh-what-were-YOU-going-through’ files, where I put a lot of shit out there, but still leave folks wondering. It was written a WHIIIIIILE back but posted in my “then” blog in July of 2005. Shortly after, I deleted the whole blog.

DISCLAIMER: The poem is kinda….grim. Its not pleasant in the least but its not intended to be. Its just a story…which parts are real and which are fictitious? Well, those are things I’ll carry to my grave. Assume what you will…but you know what they say about ASSumers! Im not an overly religious person, as this lil quip may indicate. I have FAITH and a personal relationship with God..but I wouldnt consider myself sickly religious (aka: a Bible thumper). Oh and please note…I’m many negative things to some people but one that Im not is stupid! My shit is copyrighted. Steal it if you want…you’ll owe me your nuts and first born in court, $ucka. Have a good nite everyone!

So sick, throwin’ up all over the place
Wish you could see the expression on my face
Love shouldnt hurt, but for me it does
Id kill myself to prove that you’re the one

Everyday, I manage to change more of myself
A compromise, of sorts, anything that’d help
And its evident, with every lesson learned
Never wanna be on the receiving end of getting ‘burned’

No matter what my friends say about you
The last thing I want is for us to be through
So I called you up, let the phone ring
Dont know what the hell has gotten into me

“Hello? Who is this? Why the fuck you call?”
Damn, maybe I shouldnt try this at all
‘Listen, baby, I dunno what this is all about..’
‘I was thinking me and you could really work this out.’

Silence on the phone, what is he gonna say?
‘It aint working out, lets go our separate ways’
I try to explain how I feel inside
But he shut me down, feelings were denied

He kept reminding me of how my attitude changed
And of how he could just spit right in my face
Said I didnt try to love him hard enough
Because I didnt give him his way, he had given up

“What the hell?” I said, “You must be kidding me”
He just laughed and said, ‘I promise that you’ll see’
‘Somehow its always better to let me have control..’
‘But this thing b/w you and me is getting real old’

I cried, ‘Dont leave me here by myself…’
‘Is it something I did or is there someone else’
Before he hung up, he said ‘We’re just through’
‘Yea I want a relationship, just not with you.’

And then I heard dial tone-I just sat there
Crying hysterically, pulling out my hair
As the tears rolled down my face, I yelled out
‘God can you PLEASE tell me what this is all about’

Ive been a good girl, paid all my dues
Ive gotten on my knees and Ive prayed to You
To send a good man, one that wont lie
But I keep getting the same shit all the time

I didnt hear a voice, I just sat and cried
As the tears poured steadily from my eyes
Too scared of being on this earth alone
Making the choice myself to simply go home

Walked over to the counter, found a knife
Cried a couple of tears knowing none of this is right
Put the first cut horizontally on my wrist
Saying ‘I swear, Im through with love..through with this’

Suddenly I felt at ease, no longer broken apart
Fell to the ground, hard pounds in my heart
Laid on the ground, no longer feeling attacked
Its over now, aint no way to go back

Blood running all over my kitchen floor
If this is how love feels, I dont want it no more
Instantly I saw my parents in my head
Crying over me, cant believe their daughters dead

I wanted to explain and let em all know why
But they’d be mad if they knew I did it for a guy
And my sister and brother, man I know they feel the hurt
But they cant understand everything this guys worth

Heart rate slowing down going @ a slow speed
Aint no revival..aint no saving me
Im finally @ peace, throwing punches at Heavens door
I just told God I couldnt take it anymore

Then God said ‘My child, you know how much I love you’
‘But that guy is not the end of the world for you’
‘Im gonna be here when everyone else is gone’
‘And when his times up, I will NEVER leave you alone’

He said that He’d always be there to console me
And when friends turn their back, He would hold me
He said ‘I have plans for you, just so much more’
‘What do you think I put you here on earth for?’

‘I dont make mistakes, nor do I waste time,’
‘I know your heart, everything in you is Mine’
I just lay there with real apologetic eyes
Couldnt believe Im the cause of my own demise

I said, ‘God, please, tell me what am I to do,’
‘I really love this man,’ God said ‘But you must love you,’
‘You’ve been slipping up and really it is not your fault’
‘You just love strong, I made you with a heart’

I smiled, it felt good to hear a compliment
Whats even better is knowing that it was meant
I musta looked confused about our lengthy talk
God said ‘Come here, my child, lets take a walk’

‘About a year ago, you said that you wanted to move’
‘And that you’d do your work as long as I would help you?’
‘Well Ive done my part, but now its your turn?’
‘You cant give up after every lesson learned’

I told him about how I got sidetracked when I got here
Losing sight of me just b/c I had fear
Had fear of success, taking slack from folks
Fell in love but later feeling like my hearts been choked

I tried my best to hold back my tears
Told Him that I felt comfort being here
God said, ‘Love is lost, but you still have work to do’
‘Remember I borrowed your body so I could use you’

I responded, ‘But God, isnt it too late?’
‘When I slit my wrist didnt that seal my fate?’
He smiled, ‘No, child, its not as bad as it seems’
‘Hear your alarm clock? Wake up, my dear, its just a dream’

In my reality, the story spoken is of truth
Damn near killing myself to show I love you
Thats real talk, aint no fakin’ either
Its dangerous to love when your love is that lethal