I thought that this was TOO funny, so I had to repost it here! Happy Holidays!

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Well... seems that it’s THAT time of the year again where we get together and drink, eat and have good conversations.
Follow the rules and you MAY not get your ass handed to you on a platter this year!

1. If you are allergic to anything, get the ingredients before the buffet table is set.
Don’t wait until you are in line and ask what everything is on the dayum table!:

* “Who made the potato salad?
* “Is it egg in there?”
* “Are the greens fresh or Glory?”
* “Is the meat in the greens smoked turkey or pork?“
* “Who made the macaroni and cheese?”
* “What kind of pie is that? “
* “Who made it?”
* “Where Lucy’s Yams?“
* “Y’all out of Ocean Spray? Aw, HELL naw!”
* “Who made the Chit’lins? Y’all know I don’t eat err’body’s Chit’lins!“
* “Where the Frank‘s RedHot Sauce at?”

Ask one more damn question and I will sucka-punch you in both eyes AND your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to see OR eat a DAMN thing.
Oh yes, you WILL get knocked the fuck out for that!

2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, sit your crippled ass down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Here...nibble on them damn pecans and walnuts to hold you over.

3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, escort their little asses to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it’s time for Uncle Noo-Noo to start telling family stories about their mommas and daddies.
If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their asses, up to the kneecap!

4.
There is going to be ONE prayer for Thanksgiving/ Christmas dinner!

JUST ONE!

We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or that your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a good got-damn. We do not care what you are thankful for at the buffet table. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something VERY hard come rapidly across your lips and they will be on SWOLL for approximately the next 20 minutes.
Say something NOW!

5.
Finish EVERYTHING on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be cussed out and asked to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing damn well that I will never see it again! If you touch my shiznit, I will shoot you! Dead in your face! Hands down! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over to include in the buffet, don’t let me catch you making a plate period, or there WILL be a misunderstanding.

7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you.
EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER ! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her.
After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas or New Years dinner! Cousin Crazy Cal is home on a tether and his weight-lifting ass will be supervising y’all when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfredo and his greedy ass family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA, Discover, ATM and MASTER CARD are now being accepted.
NO FOOD STAMPS, BRIDGE OR ACCESS CARDS YET! Always next year, baby!

And, uh... HAPPY HAPPY & MERRY MERRY, Y’ALL!