Okay, I’m bored and was just chatting with a friend about strip clubs (you know that’s my obsession, no?).

Nonetheless, in having this conversation with her, I came up with a list (in random order) of things that I absolutely do not want to see in the strip club in the ’09.

Here goes:

1. If I buy a lap dance from you, I do NOT want to see you make your booty hole go in and out. That shit is NOT sexy! I dunno who gets a rise out of stuff like that but your girl isn’t one of them. Anytime a girl does that, I WAIT for a fart to come out…or even a shit crumb. I do not wish to leave the club with shit flakes on my dress, thanks.

2. A guy sticking his finger in an upward position in hopes of a girl bouncing her ass hard enough to let it slip in! That’s not right. Not at all. It makes you look desperate and unappreciative of what a lapdance really is!

3. Lactating tits! They have websites and Yahoo! groups dedicated to that shit. When I come to the club, I do NOT need to know when (if at all) a woman had a baby! Leave that shit for the fetish sites!

4. Afro Pussies! Yea, some men like that snappy nappy dug out. But in MY eyes, it does nothing but collect lent and attract a ‘musty’ smell. Trim that shit up.

5. Unkempt women! Ladies, your ‘you’ is your money maker. That means before your shift starts, visit somebody’s nail salon and make sure you have ALL TEN fingernails on and not 8 1/2. No chipped toenail polish either. Nappy/greasy weaves are never acceptable. And make sure you check back on #4.

6. For the love of all things good and Holy, PLEASE stop fucking going to Walmart and buying your outfit! Push up bras and everyday thongs do NOT a stripper make! You see all the girls in the club with customized stripper shit. Step your game up and start asking for referrals.

7. Cell phones in your hand while you’re dancing! Aint that a bitch? I don’t need to see your ass calling your baby daddy (or stud…cuz it’s a lot of lesbian activity in the damn club), babysitter, best friend or college professor while you’re giving me a dance! I just spent $10 to help you PAY that bill. The least you could do is show me some respect and gimme what I paid for!

8. EUC’s bka emotionally unstable creatures! Please refer to #7 but it must be said. There have been a million times that I’ve gone to the strip club and walked in the bathroom, only to find some lonely dancer on the phone crying about everything that’s going on in her social life. Not only that, this same female will come out on the floor, answering calls all throughout the night from this same person that she’s arguing with. Don’t you realize that you’re messing up your money by worrying over shit that’s at home? Don’t get me wrong, I am very sympathetic to highly sympathetic situations but you shoulda called out that day. Coming to the club and ruining everybody’s mood b/c your home life is fucked up ain’t right.

9. Mufuckas going to the stage and throwing a stack of ones that equal $20! Damn it, you ain’t ballin! You just spent half of your Metro PCS/Cricket bill. That made you look like a simp compared to the dude that went right before and after you and threw $100 in ones on the stage. Sitcho broke ass down!

10. Alert to newcomers on the pole: Club hours is NOT the time for you to practice the moves you saw in the Pussy Poppin’ video! I repeat…DO NOT come to the club during business hours to practice your pole tricks. If you fall, there is no sympathy. I WILL laugh at you. Just clap your ass, prance to the left and right and smile until you get it. Just practice at home with a retractable pole or something b/c Black folks NEVER forget a tumble!

I have plenty more…but I want some water so I’ll be back later!