I always talk about forgiveness and that’s because I am somewhat envious of those around me who are able to forgive without issue.
I say that I can forgive. I say that I DO forgive but in my heart of hearts, I know that I don’t. Not always.
Yesterday, I made a decision that involves forgiveness…or a lack thereof. On one of my social networking sites, my ex boyfriend added me as a friend. Initially, I accepted it. But for some reason, it didn’t sit well with me. No, I don’t think that he added me to see if I was doing as well as I assume he is. I think that he added me because deep down inside, he just wanted to be in touch.
He and I have history. We dated all throughout high school. We broke up when he moved away. But then we got back together during both of our college years and managed to stay together for 3.5 years.
And then he cheated. It’s not that I assumed he cheated b/c of something I heard. It wasn’t because I was insecure and just THOUGHT he would. I caught him. There was no denying what I saw with my own eyes.
Ultimately, we fell apart…if I can’t trust you, I can’t be with you. Period. I went on with my life. He went on with his. Almost four years ago, I went through it. Just a really hard emotional time for me, something that I don’t care to revisit at present but…I was definitely out of my element. During that time, I needed the support of people who knew me. I needed the people who knew everything there was to know about me to “be there.” Now, by this time, I made amends with my ex and we were on speaking terms…so much so that he was planning a trip to come see me. Knowing everything that I was going through…and how many times I literally said “I need you,” he shunned me. And instead of being the friend that I needed him to be, all bullshit to the left…he went and talked ABOUT my problems to someone else. Never once did he speak to me about them. Instead, he let me do the talking, rushed me away and talked about them to someone else. Not in an “I-dont-know-how-to-help-her” tone. It was condescending. Belittling. How did I find out? Well, his friend wasn’t much of a friend b/c he told me. And I confronted the ex. Absolutely no denial.
After that, I couldn’t deal anymore. I figured that it’d be best that I cut my losses with this guy 100%. Our relationship was over…both romantically and on the friendship side. Why hold on?
So that brings us to today. I really do TRY to be a forgiving person but truth be told, I hold grudges. I may physically speak from my mouth that “Yes, I forgive you,” but deep down inside…I probably don’t. I just feel that he did a great job at abandoning me at a time when I needed him most. When I needed him to at least be a friend to me without any type of physical or financial exchange, he went ghost on me and instead, turned into the informant of my problems.
I’m better now…as best as better can be. And while I do wish him well and hope that he thrives in this thing we call life, I can’t say that I can give him 100%. Not now…not ever.
COMMENTS
I know exactly how you feel. Trust being broken, especially from someone you loved or a close friend is extremely hard to get back, if ever. The way I see it, you could have said to hell with him after you all broke up. But you actually gave him the opportunity to be your friend, and well he fucked that up too. So, at this point, you don’t owe him anything else. You gave him forgiveness and he spit on that too. Some people aren’t meant to be in our lives a long time, just a moment. His moment has come and gone. God bless him, and keep on stepping.
Luv2bme:You know what Jia, you did forgive this guy at least twice. After all that has happened w/ this guy, you have a right to not to want to ever be associated w/ him by any means. I agree w/ you, I believe that he contacted you on the social networking website just to keep in touch. However, w/ all of the ‘hoopla’ and drama from the past, I can understand why you would be a little hesitant about accepting his friend invite. But, Jia, we are all ‘under construction’ when it comes to being a better person. Just keep working on the wonderful woman that you are and everything will else will fall into place!
*fleur*:Girl Plz! that nigga woulda been on my black list from the day I CAUGHT him cheating. and when i mean black list, i am talking about you don’t exist to me. soooooo for you to have had accepted him back in your life after he did something as selfish, hurtful and disrespectful as that lets me know that you have a very forgiving nature. He’s had his chance; twice, so its time to say f**k u!
Jia:LOL this comment made me laugh. Thanks! And you’re absolutely right. He SHOULD HAVE been put on the black list from jump! Silly me.
Shaneice:i agree with fleur. once a cheater, always a cheater. fukk your friendship. you hurt me, betrayed me and had the nerve to talk shiit about me behind my back. you’z a low down dirty scoundrel. they make an interesting point about your forgiving nature as well.