I was having a conversation on AIM with a friend and became inspired to sit down and write down some feelings that’ll eventually go in my book.

As I was typing like there was no tomorrow, I began recalling things and felt tears filling up in my eyes. And it wasn’t because of the choice that I made. I cried a little thinking back on how several friends turned their back on me. One in particular. I can’t give away too much b/c I will feature it in the book but I logged onto Facebook today and asked the question:

So I started working on more of my book last night. I got to a part…well, several times I’ve gotten to parts where I felt that I needed to mention an ex boyfriend b/c of their significance in that part of the story. If you were writing a book about a certain period of time in your life, would you also feel the need to explain to the ex why they were brought into the story? Explain.

Thing is…I never felt that he was obligated to do anything for me. We dated throughout high school, broke up b/c he moved to another state and ended up getting back together when we were both away at college. We had a really good relationship and although we broke up for reasons that we disagree on, I still felt that above everything else, he was a friend.

While I was out in Cali, there were a lot of things that were going on…not just things that the human eye could see but also inside my mind. Again, I can’t say much but the only thing I will say is that I needed a friend. During the time when I felt the most ‘broken,’ I reached out to him. And….

I can’t even tell it without giving away too much. I spoke with a fairly well known author a few months back who told me “Don’t think about it. When you wake up in the morning and go along with your routine, pull out your laptop, open up your notepad and just write. Write until you’re tired, write until you can’t write anymore. You’ll know when the book is finished.” I think that it’s easier said than done. The majority of this person’s writing is based on things that she’s created in her head but my book deals with an emotional part of my life. While I know that my story may not be as horrid as someone else’s, I still find myself stopping mid sentence sometimes, thinking back to the exact moment that I’m typing about. I think about how alone and insecure I felt…how my self esteem had been so bruised…how I continuously put on this fake brave/happy face but I was hurting…bad. I can’t even begin to describe the hurt that I felt.

My goal isn’t to get people to feel sorry for me b/c again, I’m a grown woman who made a very grown (yet immoral) decision that I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life. And although I’m not sure that I’ll ever be at 100% (mentally), I do know that I have come a LONG way from that person. It really hurts to think about some of the relationships that I fostered, some of the habits that I picked up, the people that I hurt, the attitude change…the whole 9. It’s just moments I don’t like going back to, not just b/c of the hurt but b/c I know that it’ll revive old thoughts of things that people said and did to me. My way of coping with the way people turned their backs on me is to push it in the back of my mind. But writing last night…it brought up some things.

Without question, I can be tough as nails. I have my spirit to protect. And sometimes it hurts to let my guard down long enough to let that spirit speak.

We’ll see….