Here comes one of those “Oh-I-turned-30-so-everything-is-starting-to-make-more-sense” topics.
Okay…in my circle of friends, I’ve learned who I can and can’t rely on. I know who I can ring up for advice anytime I need it; I know who to call if I were to have a flat on 285; if I need advice on how to cook a certain dish (on down to the heat of the stove), I have someone for that too.
But me? I think that I can be all types of friends but I’d much rather tell you the type of friend I’m NOT.
This Friday on The Dirty Panties radio show, we’re going to talk about cheating. We’re actually going to have two male guests in the studio, so it should make for an interesting conversation. For some strange reason, I seem to have a troth of women around me who seem to have no problems dating someone who is not 100% free…and it seems that every.single.time something goes WRONG in this “relationship,” I’m the one that (most) run to for coddling.
Why for?
Let me tell you…I have witnessed first hand what cheating does in a relationship/marriage. I don’t bother pointing fingers because at the end of the day, the cheater (and the one helping the cheating) is responsible.
So when this already cheating ass dude steps out on you, treats you disrespectfully, does something that is uncharacteristic of a “good man,” why are you acting surprised?
Further, why are your emotions involved in it to the point of your mood changing (and ultimately changing the mood of everyone around you)?
My apologies to anyone who thought so…but these IM’s and texts that I’m getting today are seriously killing my already pissy mood. He’s cheating on you? Why are you surprised? AIN’T HE CHEATING WITH YOU?
He said/did something totally out of line or disrespectful? Oh…imagine how his girlfriend/wife would feel if she knew about you.
Attention ladies…accepting one half of a third of a PIECE of a man is never favorable. Not only does it show how LOW your self esteem is, it also shows how I probably should never feel comfortable having any type of man around you because hey…you just might shade me the way you’re shading the other chick.
You’re not ‘special’ because he calls you more often than the average cheater calls his side line (and remember…that IS what you are).
You’re not ‘better off’ because you know about her and she doesn’t know about you. It only means that you’re knowledgeable of the bullshit that someone is taking you through and like a dumb ass, willingly give the mess a pass.
Many of you piss me off rationalizing this type of shit in your mind. And because many of you are willing to accept this piece of a man, those same men approach me on the streets thinking I’d be down to bump no no areas with them because you did.
Buddy has me full circle fucked up. And so do you…
I’m sick of it. I don’t know if I wear something similar to a “kick me” sign for women who think that this type of madness is acceptable but the buck stops here. I’ll continue being friends with you but I do NOT want to hear anymore about your “Alicia Keys/Swizz Beatz” type problems.
I’m not “that” chick. I don’t care who you are, how long we’ve been friends, etc. Just because I’m a friend to you doesn’t mean that I am required to cosign, agree with, pop bottles for or dougie to every decision that you make in your life. Just as I don’t have those same expectations for you and mine, it can be dually noted that neither of us accepts bullshit.
If you open your legs to men who are already taken and he fucks you over, DO NOT COME TO ME! As your friend, I’ll listen for as long as my ears can tolerate your ridiculous excuses, unnecessary tears and incessant whining.
But when it’s time to offer you the “everything’s gonna be alright” mimicry (courtesy of Naughty by Nature, thank you very much) you won’t find it here. The only thing I can offer is a healthy dose of a silent (but deadly) I told you so. You won’t get any epic slave crys out of me. You made your bed, chose to sleep with HIM in it…now lie in it by yourself.
I will NEVER be that type of friend. Sorry.
Thanks.
Oh and don’t forget to vote for me for Best Personal Blog here at the 2010 Black Weblog Awards HERE. Vote as many times as you want, please…
COMMENTS
I’m with you on this one Jia.
I am not that type of friend either. I can not nor will I listen to someone complain about their married/committed mate cheating on them.
I have a very close friend at work who is dating a married man….and she had the nerve to get upset when he hadn’t slept with her in over a week. Well, I told her that is because he has slept with his wife…..needless to say she did not believe me. Long story short…I WAS CORRECT! She was very angry. Did I listen to her rant about his “cheating” on her??? HELL NO! I simply asked her “When is it cheating for a married man to cheat with his wife?” …and I walked away!
I have recently told her that I will not listen to anymore of her issues because I have nothing to offer for comfort or advise to her. (and that was me being NICE)
I can’t even feel sorry for people who get themselves into situations like this and then they get upset or angry at the outcome! WHERETHEYDOTHATAT??
Thanks for the post Jia!
TheTweeterMama:I meant to say “When is it cheating for a married man to SLEEP with his wife?”
DatGiDamnKira:Jia, Whew! I am sooo damn glad that someone finally spoke up about the uselessness (is that a word?) of a part time man. I, too, suffered from being the other chick. At 23, I thought it was convenient. Looking back, the only convenience in the situation was for him. I think it’s simply the fact that women don’t value themselves enough to understand that being the only one is much better then being the other one!
*gives dap*
Good job…
This is great! As a woman i also find myself caught between a rock and a hardspot trying to be a good non judgemental friend but at the same time not being able to silence my your full of shit alarm. It’s hard 
*Gives two snaps and a twirl*
THIS is reason #554,803 that I loves me some Jia. 
You give me hope that there is at least ONE other woman out in the world who is not co-signing all of this “I’ll take your man” nonsense. I can’t even express in words how much it irks me when I hear women proudly proclaim that they are sleeping with another woman’s man but they “know their place.” As far as I’m concerned, “knowing your place” would be not even getting involved with him from the jump.
Je'Tara:I agree with this post wholeheartedly. I can’t figure out why so many women have come to the conclusion that dating married/taken men are okay. I mean I really would like to know how are they rationalizing this in their head? I remember having a friend who would not only cheat on her boyfriend but sleep with other guys who were in relationships.
I thought it was so foul and told her I would never bring my bf around her. I still haven’t let her meet anyone. Not taking that risk. Then would have the nerve to be mad when they were sleeping with more random people. SMH They all will learn one day.
Miss Dimplez:this is why i heart you Jia-darling… the type of friend you are is the type of friend that EVERYONE needs (even though some may not realize it yet…)
<3
dinastyinc:Everything was so on point. I got my life!
Oh, and I like how you properly told us what the f.uck you weren’t gonna do, and then told us what we had better do right after (i.e. vote for your blog) LOL!
Loves me some #jiarealness!
Christina Kimani:Yes!!!!!!! I just made a post about this the other day. Some of my friends are perfectly fine dating guys who are in relationships. A lot of these women need to have more respect for themselves. the other day my friend was telling me how the guy she’s screwing wont call her back. All I could say was: And? why would he? He already has a “wife”. I think she was expecting me to console her, but I am NOT the one.
DivaStar:The thing I hate to hear a woman say is “He’s married, I’m not”, your just as guilty because you know, it doesn’t take the blame away from you. So refreshing to see I’m not the only one fed up with this fuckery…I know a girl who is renewing her vows and her and her husband are cheating on each other…wtf.
Kornika:“You’re not ’special’ because he calls you more often than the average cheater calls his side line (and remember…that IS what you are).”
I think some women believe that they are “special” because deep down everyone wants to believe that they’re the exception to the rule — that they’ll be the one to make a man commit and what not.
You may already know what I think about women that will be with a married/taken man cause I’ve written about it (http://kornika.com/anopenletter) but I’ll say it for good measure: I feel like women often hurt each other much more often than we accuse men of hurting us.
Additionally, a man (or woman) can only do as much to you as you ALLOW them too. This includes disrespecting and hurting you.
Good for you for realizing these “friends” that accept less than all of a man needn’t come to you.
Keesh:so much truth here. people seem to be under the misconception that a true friend is a person who constantly applauds all behavior no matter how ridiculously reckless it is. it’s sad that people also seem to forget that friendship is just as much a two-way street as any other relationship. always loading you down with repetitive problems they can’t learn from but not being any kinda help when you decide to turn to them for something.
lulujones:I would never date a man in a relationship but i would fuck him. He dont respect his relationship why should i. Ill get a good one night stand (or fuck buddy)and be out. Dont give a fuck about him, his wife, or his children. They wouldnt have to worry bout nothing if he wasnt out looking for something (thats not from his wife), You have to step out the marriage in order to let anyone in to “help” wreak it. Shit but those women getting in serious relationships with these niggas is stupid. I say get what they good for from them cause it damn sure aint love.
yeezyswhyitweet:^^^the above comment is sad…you should never want to put yourself in a position to assist in a breakup of a relationship…if the man is unhappy then let him leave first don’t bring someone else down b/c they aren’t man enough to cut ties. And by taking such an approach karma will come back around to bite you in the ass b/c one day you will be that girl that has a man that is cheating on her and what will you do then?
LadyS:LuLujones is a real bitch! That is why she will forever be single. Anyhoo, I totally agree with you Jia, I’m not the one to co-sign on that bullshit. Women really need to get it together and stop being sluts and whores. Dag, who likes being second, third,….best. These men are playing them, upright disrespecting them by saying oh I got a girl or wife….but you can be my fuck thing. Ladies, stand up for what’s right, get a little self esteem and stop the madness!
lulujones:first off i dont believe in karma so yu can kill that right there, if i was in that situation i would say peace to the muthafucka im with cus if he did it once he gone do it again.To lady im not single but if i was does that make me less of a person, why do womean have to be wifes and have kids in order to be happy but ima leave that alone for now. I said nothing wrong in my last post, if he doesnt respect his relationship why should a complete stanger do what he suppose to. What to have good morals? I dont expect anything great from someone i dont know and who dont care about me and im not suppose to, its the people i put in my life i should expect that from. He putting it out there so dont be suprsed when someone use it and or abuse it. And the wives in these situations aint no betta, they put up with that shit, blame the branches when she should be looking at the root of this problem. And please stop with this women come together kumbaya shit, never happened in this situation, never will. one last thing pertaining to to the self asteem shit,i have low self esteem cus i fucked a married man who would put his whole family on the line for a nut?, okay
NvrASydline:As a person who just recently dealt with this situation, I felt I should comment. Mr.X and myself worked together for a long time. I always felt that he was attracted to me but I didn’t quite feel the same way. Slowly over time, I developed an attraction to him. Our attraction became so strong, coworkers felt it. However, there was one minor issue-he is in a relationship. We both went back and forth on whether we should act on our attraction and finally one day decided to do so. However, obviously in the end, he just could not give me what I was looking for. I understand and respect what is being said, but I don’t necessarily think that lulu is completely off base either. A woman is only a sideline if she lets herself be one. However,it is not the moral responsibility of the woman to preserve the cheater’s relationship. In the end it all boils down to what the woman is looking for. I ended up breaking things off relatively quickly bc I felt I deserved better than to be girlfriend number two! So hey, to each her own and just stick to what you stand for, whatever that is!
BtSquared2:I actually had this very SAME discussion not even two days ago with someone that, fresh out of a marriage herself, is now cheating with a married man. I told her that while she’s under emotional distress, sleeping with a taken man isn’t justifiable. The shit is so text book and I hate that she doesn’t see how dumb she is in all of this. “Well, he said he’s gonna leave her. Not for me, though. He was gonna leave her anyway. He’s never been faithful to her.” Are you kidding me, simple bitch?!! What’s sad is now she has feelings involved. I stepped all the way back from her because when the shit falls apart (as it most certainly will) I’ll have nothing positive or encouraging to say to her.
Juicy Baby:So I just looked a video of you on youtube for the first time about the whole Fantasia thing and I agree with you but not all the way. Im only 23 so I look at the tv shows and shit like that so I wanna believe that he told her he was separated and she didn’t know that he was still with his wife. At the same time don’t try and hurt yourself over no sorry ass man. But I just wanted you to know that I like how you keep it 100 and don’t give a fuck about what people think or say about anything you have to say. I’ll be listen from now on.